I need to stop coming to work sober
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
