Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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