Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
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