You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Randomize
