Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
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