I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
