I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
Randomize
