OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
She was sucking his dick at Seacrets outside bar in front of all of us...her friends kept coming over crying and yelling "Tiffany stop it"
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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