Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
