you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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