He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
Randomize
