in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
