Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
