You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
Randomize
