The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
so far i wrote 500 words for a paper on sean paul performing we be burnin..i can officially do anything on adderral
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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