look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
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