I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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