i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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