I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Randomize
