College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
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