Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
