Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
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