Non-Jews are for practice
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
