Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Randomize
