I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
Randomize
