im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
just saw an old couple make out...not too sure how I feel about it. though I will admit at one point I was thinking "oh yeah! get that!"
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
I'm both gender and math confused
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize