don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Randomize
