It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
I can't trust your balls anymore.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
