I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
Randomize
