I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
he likes ron paul.... that's all i'm going to say....
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
So I just went to clothing optional bar
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
