fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
