eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
My dick has a subreddit
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
