tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
On a side note I can sing drakes “best I ever had” so good you’d think I was on degrassi.
You have to stop making references to your extense knowledge of 13 year old girl television programming for me to believe you aren’t homo. The Bravo line-up was one thing, but seriously
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
It was a blind-side dick pic.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
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