i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize
