I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
we dont know what were doing after yet. first up we have 90 beers and a party kit and fun hats.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Randomize