how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
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