He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
