Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
