You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
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