It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
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