So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
Even the bartender felt bad for me
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
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