In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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