how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
My overnight senior got drunk and hooked up with Kaylee on Sunday. I checked Facebook and he already put down his deposit for next year. This school should pay me a commission.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
Randomize
