Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
