yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Randomize
