I wish my penis had an off switch
i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
Randomize
