I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Randomize
