Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
