Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
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