Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Randomize
