Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
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