She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Randomize
