Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
Randomize
