ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Randomize
