i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize
