Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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