we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
I think my nap took me to another dimension
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Randomize
