They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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