apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Randomize
