Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Randomize
