the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
