I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
