Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
Randomize
