Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
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