I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
Randomize
